Of Life and DEATH
by Inner Babysitter
Summary: The Auditors resurrect Teatime and try to remove the personification of Life. A similar story has already been posted, although not by me. Death, Susan, Lobsang, possibly others. This may be a long one so bear with me, please. Let's have fun!
1. Chapter 1

Observe. This is the gargantuan space turtle Great A'Tuin, its shell and skin ravaged by meteors. Watch as the astro-chelonian slowly swims through space, carrying four elephants on its back, which in turn carry the Disk.

The Disk has been through a lot the last few hundred years. It barely escaped The Apocralypse several times, experienced so many invasions from the Dungeon Dimensions that there must be a bloody revolving door in the fabric of reality and managed to be saved from destruction by its denizens, never-mind that the other part of its denizens was responsible for triggering said destruction. But the worst is yet to come.

Notice the nonchalance displayed by the Great A'Tuin as it moves through space, unaware of its terrible fate. A fate so horrible that mothers weep over their children's craddles at the mere mention of it - a Sudden Audit.


	2. Chapter 2

In a place where nothing existed (well, mostly nothing, except for the stardust, the odd micrometeor and space vacuum) three cloaked figures gathered. They did not appear, because they were always there. You can say that they were Nothing dressed in Nothing. While not a very successful fashion line, this proved impressive. Perfectly innocent grains of stardust were floating in what they'd call a state of happiness and suddenly wham, they turn out to be a microscopic part of the hem of a robe which had always been a robe, not a swish of dust.

A distant nebula gave off weak pink-ish light.

One of the figures said, We have failed.

We are not to be blamed, another said. The human failed. Such an unreliable thing, life.

Indeed, the third robe said after a pause. But he was one of the most ingenious tools we have had at our disposal. It would be good to reconsider his... reemployment.

The second Nothing stirred, But that would mean to break the rules, to breach protocol!

We have failed to work through humans. We have failed to remove life ourselves, what will guarantee us that we will not fail this time?

At this point, if the third figure could smirk, it would have. We will work through the human and through our own means, at the same time. Analysis confirms that this method will improve our chances of success.

There was no sound here, but had there been any, it would have stopped being heard. Without apparent movement, the background shifted. What was interstellar blackness was now the blackness of an alley in the Shades in Ankh-Morpork. The three grey figures remained.

Let us commence, they said.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: It amazes me how these chapters turn out to be so short. I can't help it. The action needs to be on separate chapters so as to keep the suspense levels while the browser loads the next chapter (I'm such a drama queen). Thanks for the nice reviews, guys. 

Consider the existence of Death. No, no the natural occurrence. The anthropomorphic personification is what you should have in mind. Does Death have an... opposite? A nice lady in her forties, a tad hysterical, a little bit messy and a rather bigger bit lively called Life. Or perhaps someone in a rather floppy wide-brimmed orange hat with a tendency to make flowers blossom whenever she treads on them? Whatever Life was, she, er, was. Past tense. No more. Done for. Finito. But even the orange hat cannot impair one's judgement so much as to prevent the person from taking precautions. So Life did take precautions. A rather late, but still. Precautions.

Said precaution floated peacefully on the winds over Ankh-Morpork. It was night, but that did not mean that the greatest city on the Disc would be sleeping. Or that the river Ankh would be less smelly. So the winds were anxious to get away for a breath of fresh air and perhaps some light storms in the country. And as the winds departed, the precaution gently succumbed to gravity and fell down. Perhaps it was curious what the ground was like. It hinted of orange.

it fell down, just like a feather. And settled on a rooftop. Or rather on someone's head, blocking the field of vision. That someone was just about to jump to another rooftop. The jump had already commenced, in fact. Needless to day, it was lucky for the mysterious stranger that there was something squishy in the alley to soften the fall. But given the fact that this was a dark alley in Ankh-Morpork where things often find their death, perhaps the stranger wasn't so fortunate after all.

A rather feminine voice said from under the floppy orange hat, 'Oh, bugger. Not again.'


End file.
